This is my body, as it is right now. This is the body I have hated and hidden from for years. That I have lied about and bought lies about. I have denied it health and vitality and joy because it doesn’t fit the image I was taught to want. That I was taught was good, ideal and the only acceptable way to be.
I don’t like what I see and I hate that. I hate that a part of me still believes that there is anything wrong with the person, the body, in these images. I remember being a kid and enjoying having a body, dancing and laughing and playing and just *being*. I remember the slow crumble of my sense of pride and sense of self as worth being proud of. How it was buried under snide comments and unwanted attention, under non-consensual touches and words, and abandoned dreams.
We talk about how representation matters, how it’s important to see ourselves reflected in our stories and images. I don’t see myself represented in positive ways. I hardly see myself at all and that needs to change. And it starts with me, with my eyes and my view of myself, even if -maybe especially if- that view is messy and complicated and incomplete, at least it is the truth of the moment.
As I wake up to myself, I’ve come to realize that I need to stop hiding. I need to own this body I live in. It’s the only one I have, the only one I get. Self acceptance means accepting and appreciating the whole of my self.
So This is me. This is what I look like right now. I exist. I don’t have an hour glass shape or a flat stomach. I live with chronic pain and illness and I dream and write and sculpt and tell stories and host tea parties with my friends and laugh and dance and sing and fucking live. I’m a part of this thing I call my life, and a part of the larger thing we call community and culture and I am done hiding.
“For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself,you shall never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.”
#effyourbeautystandards #EmpowerAllBodies #ImNoAngel #ChronicIllnessWithStyle #Healing
I am all about the glitter. Glitter is good, glitter is fun, glitter is ridiculous and it can make a terrible day just a little better because who doesn’t like seeing pretty shiny things?
Glitter, in my world, is anything that makes you smile, that gives you that little boost to keep going or slow down and appreciate what you have. Glitter is whatever we need it to be: a sunset, a cat blinking that silly sleepy look at you, a new pair of shoes, a hug, a nap, whatever… it is something that makes a moment just a little easier.
I’m also currently hip deep in some health stuff. It sucks and I’m soooooo ready to be on the other side of it all but I also know I can’t rush the process and that the other side looks like a damn fine explosion of glitter and higher quality of life for me and my family, so its worth it. But wow it sucks today and I’m a in some serious need of glitter
so three Glittery things:
1. my cat playing “marco polo” with me (yes, really)
2. my husband who makes me smile and roll my eyes and is his own form of glitter
3. my awesome Baby Whales Breaching painting from Sarah ‘The Rhino Lady’ Soward that is now watching over my desk!
What’s glittery and shiny in your world today?
As part of breathing through my pain and being in the moment, I’ve started doing a list of what I am grateful for each week. I find that it helps me see the world in a more positive light and helps me hold on to all the good in my life. And I’ve just gotten to like doing it and miss it when I dont have the spoons to type.
1. I am grateful for sun and rain and roses
2. I am grateful for the doctors and medications that help make things better
3. I am grateful for warm socks and soft arm warmers
4. I am grateful for purring kittens
5. I am grateful for silly husbands
6. I am grateful for little sisters who turn 16 and have Harry Potter parties
7. I am grateful for parents who love and support me
8. I am grateful for my tenacity and stubborn streak
9. I am grateful for chocolate
10. I am grateful for really freaking good gluten free bread that makes amazing grilled cheese sandwiches